Feeling stuck inside your house?
The 3 rules that helped me get out
Writing on Saturday, I just came back from the shop. I needed a milk for my morning coffee and some juice for tonight. Editing on Sunday getting ready for a bike ride.
I made it out of lockdown in 2025.
If you told me I'd do this 2 years ago, I wouldn't believe you.
The joy of solitude
I loved the early 2020s.
I got food from Deliveroo, gadgets from Amazon and entertainment as a service. I could spend weeks and months without leaving my house. So I did.
It built up to social anxiety. This fear of meeting people when I have seen nobody in real life for long enough and I kind of forgotten how it is. Why risk disappointment when I can avoid the problem and meet people on Zoom (if I have to)?
It turned out I became the victim of the loneliness epidemic.
I isolated myself first because of the virus, but then I continued because of convenience and playing into old habits.
How to become a loner
In my practice, I like to discover how the old systems work before I go to fix them.
“If I had an hour to solve a problem, I’d spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions.”
Loneliness is a mind system that has a valuable function, according to the brain.
The first question - is in nature or nurture? Nature is a hardware problem. Nurture is a software issue.
Humans are social monkeys. We live in communities; it's in our nature. It's not hardware.
Then the system must come from nurture. I had learned lo be a loaner. I did it in my childhood from my mother and with some help from the bullies at school.
How it worked for me:
- I try to speak with other people
- I get rejected for opening my mouth
- I fear it will happen again
- It happens over and over
- I repeat that pattern for 20 years
- My brain learns that connection is not safe for me and stops trying
Then the smart adults will have labels for me. They are smart, so I will start to believe in them and they become my identity. I've been called many things:
- Shy
- Introverted
- Excentric
- Antisocial (my favourite)
Now I have decades of practice and identity coming from experts (every adult seems to be expert when you're a child, even when they're not) that provides a perfect explanation for what's happening to me.
With lockdown and working from home, I can now enjoy "being myself" (sic!) for once in my life.
Happy ending? Not according to the WHO (World health Organisation) and other health researchers across the world:
> The effect of social isolation and loneliness on mortality is comparable to that of other well-established risk factors such as smoking, obesity, and physical inactivity.
It costed me dearly:
- Lost friends
- Lost fob opportunities
- Broken 5 year relationship
- Estranged the little family I have left
- I got fat (eating takeaways all week)
- Anxiety went off the scale
- I felt depressed
It was so bad I had to do something about it, or else.
## Loneliness is a skill
I got very good at being a loner.
My experience was that being alone was better for my survival than connecting with other people. My brain (like any other) repeats what it knows works. The algorithm is simple - if it causes pain, the brain will avoid it and if it causes pleasure, the brain will do more of it.
If you don't believe me, look at TikTok, McDonalds and the beauty industry.
Even if it's a short-term win and a destructive habit in the long term, the brain will repeat it forever.
To change myself, I need to teach my brain the opposite of what it knows - going out and connecting with others is the better survival strategy than staying home and eating fast food.
Simple to say, tough to execute.
The 3 rules that got me out
I could tell you to get out and touch grass, but it's BS.
There are two ways to find your answer: 1) Do what you enjoyed in the past and you have good memories of (it's the easier path) or 2) try to test new things and see what will work.
I'll tell you what worked for me and why and I'll ask you a question that can lead to finding the answer that will work best for you.
Do what works for you
What works for me is hiking and cycling.
It's true for me, because as a teenager I loved hiking in the mountains and cycling in the local forests. If I met a hiker in the middle of a trail or in the mountains - everybody was kind and said hello. The same on the bike - when I met other cyclists, they will say hi or wave to each other on the road just like bus drivers do.
Those experiences made it easier to get out and do it because I build on top of past good experiences.
What did you enjoy in the past that involved an activity and getting out of the house?
Start small
Crawling, walking, and running before flying.
Many times in the past, I tried to go "all in" just to burn out. Even with cycling, 8 years ago I got a mountain bike and went on the trail and I loved it. Until I wanted to do too much and I smashed my hand on the tree riding Leith hill, difficult track way beyond my level.
What worked now was 10 minutes’ long walk to the local park once a month. Then I went for 15 minutes, then after a few months I went for 5h hike. Now I go for over 2h long bike rides or all day hiking adventures.
When I started I built wins that built up my resilience so I can persist over a bad day or week.
What's the smallest thing, no matter how small, you can do today to make the 1st step?
Find (or buy) your support structure
PSA: You can't learn to connect sitting alone in the room.
That was the toughest part for me because I have little family or friends. One because of circumstances, the other because of my doing. I solved that by finding my therapist.
Having someone to talk regularly is the key. Since I started meeting my therapist every week, I have been more optimistic about other people. I've also built a habit of speaking and thinking about myself without a judgement.
It's basically the rubberducking version of fixing my mental health.
Who can you reach out to talk with them every week about life and what's going on in your life?
I just want to point it out if one of you, readers, is in this situation - there's always someone who will listen even if you don't have family and friends. If you want help to find them, send me with DM and we'll figure it out.
How does it work so far?
I'm a social monkey and the social wiring in my brain gets the TLC it lacked in the past.
From not seeing anybody for months, I meet people every week. Even if I won't meet a friend, I get out to the shop, like today, instead of ordering online. I ride a bike at least twice a week; I lost weight; I got stronger and my diet is the healthiest ever.
I feel happy.
I don't think I've ever thought like that until now.
It's never too late to start
It feels cringe when I think how basic I had to get to even begin getting better.
I read and head about people doing great things, riding 200k in a day, hiking in amazing places or landing their best job ever. 10 min walk in the park feels lame. How a 38 guy could feel proud of it?
For over a decade I felt it's too lame for me.
Everyone has their own story and is in their place on the journey. The reality doesn't care where I am, only I do. I may not be 100% responsible for what happened to me in the past, but I'm the only one who can change it now.
If it's a small and lame step, I need to take - I'll do it and I tell you about it, because we need to talk about the small silly things we do the get ourselves better.
What I learned and I wish you to discover soon - the growth happens quick from the moment you take the first step.
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